Day #22, I Am No Loner

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August 6, 2016

It’s my last Saturday in London, and I had to see the Portobello Market once again.

When I woke up some time in the afternoon, I just got up and left with my camera bag, thinking I might grab something to eat at the market. It takes 30 minutes to get there on foot, but I got on the bus since I didn’t have any energy.

It’s hustle and bustle on the Portobello Road as usual, I sometimes love the feeling of being in the tourist crowd, that’s the feeling of travelling, feeling of being alive, feeling of not being alone, feeling of doing something and not wasting time.

I think I can never be a loner. Maybe I need lone moments sometimes, but I’ve never consciously wanted to be left alone for a quiet moment. Maybe that’s why I developed my hobby into cooking and photographing, to focus on something not to feel lonely when I am alone. Maybe that’s why I do social networking, to feel like I’m currently sharing my life with someone. Well, I did SNS when I was with my ex, how would I explain that? Did I feel lonely even with him?

Actually one of the reasons he said he couldn’t be with me anymore was that I never left him alone and I constantly sought his attention and he was suffocated. Yes, I don’t like to be left alone and he was rather a loner. But when he left me alone to go to somewhere, I managed and didn’t feel that shit or got depressed. I just asked him not to leave me alone too long and too often when we can be together. Is that too much to ask to your man? Am I doing wrong? Am I immature? Should I see a psychiatrist? I think I was like that with all my exes, not that I had hundreds, and I guess I had this issue with a few of them. Not sure if it’s the difference between men and women, or it’s ME who is doing wrong in relationships, but I can’t tell if I am going to do differently when I start a new relationship with someone. I do not want to be a miserable woman to my man, do not want to be the reason of breakup but do want to stay with someone, in love, for the rest of my life. I don’t know if there is a man out there who will love me as I am, who want to be with him 24 hours a day if possible.

So, I need to find my Mr. Right, but the thing is, there is a huge risk that I might fall for just anybody because I feel lonely at the moment. I am passionate and fall in love too easily, that’s the problem.

I believe in fate, so I think I will meet my Mr. Right in Manchester. I really hope so.

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