Day #206, Where is Him?

February 6+1, 2017

The aftereffect of La La Land is bigger than I thought.

I have been feeling like being in a dream for the last 24 hours since I wrote my diary about it yesterday morning.

Fortunately work was not that busy last night, I didn’t make any mistake due to my dreamy mood. Maybe it could have helped me stay focused if it was busier.

That was not about Dream though, it was about Love.

I am a passionate person and passionate about my career, and also expect to step up in my company in time, but ironically I am a passionate lover and I might choose love rather than my career if I had to.

I always fell in love with someone quickly, if he was the right person for me (at least for that time being). And when I was in love with someone, I was always passionate about my lover and our relationship. And sometimes that was too much for my lover. I was too much for him. Because I gave all of myself to my man. If I could put it in figure, my love and care and attention to him were 100% whereas my man’s to me were somewhere around 50%, well maybe 60% depends on the person. And that difference created troubles. I never felt fulfilled and my man always felt that he was not good enough for me. Sometimes he said I was too greedy about him. Sometimes he said I made him feel like he were a bad person. In the end, he got sick of our relationship that only gave him stress.

My first one lasted 7 years, the second lasted 2 years on and off, the third (and mutually very passionate) lasted a bit over 1 year and ended due to circumstances that we couldn’t help, and the only husband and the last relationship lasted 7 years.

I don’t know if I am supposed to learn something from my relationships and try to change my attitude and habits in relationships, not that it would be easily done, but I still wait for my next love that I would fall in love passionately. I still think there would be some guy out there who would have mutual feelings with me, who would cause butterflies in my stomach and vice versa, who wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off me from the first glance, who wouldn’t be able to stop touching me once started, who would miss me a lot if we couldn’t see each other for more than a day, who would give me 100% of his attention when we were together.

The question is, where the hell is him?

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