Day #277, Crying for the Dead, Crying for Myself

April 18+1, 2017

I arrived at Paris CDG, my Thai-Franco couple friends came to pick me up. They are really good friends that I wouldn’t swap for anything. 

Arrived at their place, gave them a gift that I bought at the airport, had lots of talks until late.

Got up for the funeral day. I went to mum’s to have lunch with my French family before going to the funeral. I thought I might feel awkward with all other people in the family except mum, as I am separated from their brother and nephew, but they welcomed me with the same manner as before. I was really grateful. 

I saw Maria (‘s body) where she was kept before being taken to church. I gave her a kiss saying goodbye, she was very cold.

I saw my ex at the church. It’s been a year and 3 months since I saw him last time when he dumped me. I couldn’t keep straight face because it was too much to see him again, but fortunately it was Maria’s funeral and I could cry as much as I needed, it didn’t matter whatever caused me become so emotional. 

I hope nobody noticed I cried because of my ex. Because I still felt hurt when I saw him. Because I still felt attached to him. Because I still wanted him back. Because I was reminded how our relationship ended. Because I felt loss when I saw him. Because he gave me French bisous that felt very warm.

I thought I got over him really, but maybe I haven’t. Maybe I will never get over him. I just need to not see him at all. 

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